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Cinderella gasped when she heard the true extent of their machinations. Cinderella rode off into the sunset with her handsome prince and got everything she had wished for. And as for the ugly sisters? Well, their dreams also came true, and they eked out the remainder of their days getting more cock than women of such homely countenance warranted. This is the true story of how the ugly sisters achieved this incredible feat. The Three Sisters From the outside, Anastacia and Drusella make their pub look warm and inviting so as to lure as many passing menfolk as possible.

A charming, open-plan public house frequented by nubile females — who could resist? It is only once they have entered the courtyard that things start to go horribly wrong. And not just any old Fosters either, but lukewarm Fosters in a plastic bottle. Traditionally, pubs dispense beer in plastic bottles for two reasons: After purchasing an overpriced plastic bottle, the trepid drinkers turn round to discover that the eye-candy that has been propping up the courtyard appears to have disappeared indoors.

The only thing to do is follow it in there and hope that this inauspicious start to proceedings picks up. In fact there is no beauty of any sort to discern. There are Anastacia and Drusella types everywhere, but not a Cinderella to be found. You turn to leave, but suddenly find your legs have turned to jelly and the room has begun performing pirouettes. You drain the last of your warm Fosters, only for it to come straight back up again. You notice, to your disgust, that the jettisoned mouthful is full of sediment and is the colour of Tizer.

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Everyone wears checked shirts. It makes Patrick Bateman look like a nice guy. It makes death by sandpaper seem like a thrilling alternative. Other than those two slight faults, it is an awesome venue with one of the best plastic bottled beer gardens in Edinburgh. Of course, all that stuff about Rohypnol and ugly sisters is based upon events that occurred once upon a time, many moons ago, back when The Three Sisters was first founded.

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